How My Childhood Passed Away

My childhood passed away Friday night. It was murdered by Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and sadly, Harrison Ford.

Friday afternoon, Roxann called me at work and asked me if I wanted to take the kids to the drive-inn theater in Woodbury. So on the way home, I picked up a cooler full of drinks and snacks. We had a short dinner of barbecued hot-dogs and loaded up the car and made the 30 minute trip out to Woodbury. The drive-inn was cute and extremely authentic. 2 screens with a playground by the concessions building. We started the night with Kung-Fu Panda. A cute movie to be sure. I recommend it. The kids had fun. Then it was time for the second of the double feature to start. It was the new Indiana Jones movie.

You know, some things are better left alone, unless you can do it right. According to slashfilm.com, "It took more than a decade to come up with a screenplay that Ford, Spielberg and Lucas were all willing to settle on."
and I guess that is the operative word, "settle". There was a script penned in 1995 at the behest of George Lucas called, "Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars". And legend has it, both Spielberg and Ford said no. Adamantly, no. So it took Lucas another 10 years to get something that they could all "settle" on. (or at least they got tired of fighting him and relented for the cash) And settling showed. Harry Ford sleepwalked through the part giving his worst performance since that stupid Hollywood cop movie with Josh what's-his-name. What's worse, it looked like Spielberg did the same and handed what he had over to Lucas for some good, old-fashioned CGI and editing. There wasn't anything memorable about it, nor was there anything that even looked like the original films. The character Indiana Jones became a lethargic elderly joke. Substance was replaced with effects and a story that played so fast you weren't sure what was going on until after it happened. The other movies had depth and insight, Indy relied on his wit and resources to move through his adventures giving us memorable moments, character, moral substance, and a hero that always did the right thing no matter what the cost. This latest installment doesn't defy the character, however, it doesn't display it either. I was to the point once where I figured that Lucas made the new Star Wars movies so that he could have more light-saber fights and show-off his special effects company. I got the same impression here. Lucas needed more bad guys and fancy thrill scenes. So, he had dialog at a minimum and whenever Harrison Ford had a line, it was usually about being old. Also, every part of tracking down the mystery or artifact was so contrived, it played like an episode of Dora the Explorer. To add insult to injury, the action sequences were overly long, dramatic, and unrealistic; not like the movies of old. So it sucked and in the end, Lucas found a way to make it Star Wars.
Lucas already beat my childhood into a coma with the Star Wars movies and while in that coma, he came back with a new Indiana Jones movie and unplugged its life support. Spielberg and Ford came by to smother it with a pillow and make sure it was gone forever by actually giving in to Lucas and doing the movie, and doing it poorly.

My recommendation, pretend it doesn't exist and don't see it as you will only find yourself asking why and wishing you hadn't. Remember, you can't un-see it.